Sunday, September 26, 2010

Ramblings on Identity

Below are some rough, not very fluid thoughts. I am finding quite difficult to fully explain what I want to say but perhaps someone will understand just a glimpse of what I am trying to say.


Have you ever pondered the following questions?


What is my true identity?


Where do I honestly look to find my identity?


Really if someone asked you who you are what would you say? How do you respond when someone asks you tell them about yourself-who you truly are? I am positive I have been asked this question in a variety of ways throughout my life and I am even more certain as seasons have changed in my life the answer has changed as well. However, I am not so certain that I have ever provided anyone with an absolute honest answer.


Even if you think of the different social networking sites and what one writes in the “about me” portion of those…do the words written there truly describe who you are? Do they give an authentic picture of who you are or rather are they meant there meant to impress or illustrate the person you want to be or do they simply describe what you do for an occupation or identify you according to your location on this earth verses who you are at the core?


Reflecting back during my time in Colorado I remember thinking to myself if anyone asked me today who I am I would say I am a teacher, that would be the first thing that would come out of my mouth and quite frankly often still is. Back then I might have added something to the effect that I am a friend, a sister and daughter from a distance and I am a Christian. Thinking back now I remember how that bothered me that I would say I am a teacher and that would be the first thing…not that there is anything wrong with being a teacher…but I desired for my life to be more than just a teacher.


I have always been known as the mother hen of the family and always known I would be a teacher. Honestly thinking about other occupations I have no idea what I would do if I wasn’t a teacher. But am I really just one dimensional, a teacher and only a teacher? So often I have allowed all of who I am to be wrapped around what I have chosen as my professional career, what I do, what I say, how I act and interact with others, etc.


Obviously, I didn’t really deal with God’s prodding on my heart while in Colorado but have felt him continuing to pull back the layers and soften my heart the idea of where my identity truly lies throughout for some time. I found my entire life has been wrapped up in the process of becoming and being a teacher and the fact that it was what people expected of me. However, at this present time I want so badly to get out of the “typical” teaching world and use my education in a related way, however, every time I search the possibilities I return back to the classroom.


I am currently experiencing a state of disequilibrium in the direction of where my life is going. There is a strong desire to push myself out of my comfort zone and a stirring in my heart into to get out of traditional teaching and find a job where I can use my education background in a variety of other ways (working with the homeless, refugees, conducting trainings, etc) while still having balance in my life between work and life, relationships outside of work. But more so than any other desire is the desire to find what God has planned for me and not to follow my own selfish ambitions. However, I continually find myself left feeling frustrated and defeated as feel like I just am going around and around in circles. As I search for even just a casual part time job I always land back in the “education” section, while feeling prompted to set it aside for some time as I allow it to consume my life. I find myself missing the classroom as I love to teach but hate what it means for all other aspects of my life. It is my belief that part of God’s purpose of having me here, in Australia at this time, is to find my identity in HIM and at some point he will shed a bit more light on the path for the next step.


Over the past few months God has gently been speaking to me and asking me to allow him to help me discover the deeper depths of my identity far beyond a career choice, physical location, denomination of the church I am attending, relationship status or my favorite food or color. He has been softening my heart to open up to him and allow me to honestly look at my life, to go back to the basics to discover what my life looks like as His daughter, loved and desired by the Father! What does it truly look like to be the daughter of the King of Kings, what does it mean to live waking each morning knowing that the God that created everything in all of creation is on my side and how does that change who I am and how I live. How does that change where I place my identity? How does truly placing my identity in Christ instead of my career choice, physical location, relationship status, etc. change how I act and think from moment to the next?


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