Below are some rough, not very fluid thoughts. I am finding quite difficult to fully explain what I want to say but perhaps someone will understand just a glimpse of what I am trying to say.
Have you ever pondered the following questions?
What is my true identity?
Where do I honestly look to find my identity?
Really if someone asked you who you are what would you say? How do you respond when someone asks you tell them about yourself-who you truly are? I am positive I have been asked this question in a variety of ways throughout my life and I am even more certain as seasons have changed in my life the answer has changed as well. However, I am not so certain that I have ever provided anyone with an absolute honest answer.
Even if you think of the different social networking sites and what one writes in the “about me” portion of those…do the words written there truly describe who you are? Do they give an authentic picture of who you are or rather are they meant there meant to impress or illustrate the person you want to be or do they simply describe what you do for an occupation or identify you according to your location on this earth verses who you are at the core?
Reflecting back during my time in Colorado I remember thinking to myself if anyone asked me today who I am I would say I am a teacher, that would be the first thing that would come out of my mouth and quite frankly often still is. Back then I might have added something to the effect that I am a friend, a sister and daughter from a distance and I am a Christian. Thinking back now I remember how that bothered me that I would say I am a teacher and that would be the first thing…not that there is anything wrong with being a teacher…but I desired for my life to be more than just a teacher.
I have always been known as the mother hen of the family and always known I would be a teacher. Honestly thinking about other occupations I have no idea what I would do if I wasn’t a teacher. But am I really just one dimensional, a teacher and only a teacher? So often I have allowed all of who I am to be wrapped around what I have chosen as my professional career, what I do, what I say, how I act and interact with others, etc.
Obviously, I didn’t really deal with God’s prodding on my heart while in Colorado but have felt him continuing to pull back the layers and soften my heart the idea of where my identity truly lies throughout for some time. I found my entire life has been wrapped up in the process of becoming and being a teacher and the fact that it was what people expected of me. However, at this present time I want so badly to get out of the “typical” teaching world and use my education in a related way, however, every time I search the possibilities I return back to the classroom.
I am currently experiencing a state of disequilibrium in the direction of where my life is going. There is a strong desire to push myself out of my comfort zone and a stirring in my heart into to get out of traditional teaching and find a job where I can use my education background in a variety of other ways (working with the homeless, refugees, conducting trainings, etc) while still having balance in my life between work and life, relationships outside of work. But more so than any other desire is the desire to find what God has planned for me and not to follow my own selfish ambitions. However, I continually find myself left feeling frustrated and defeated as feel like I just am going around and around in circles. As I search for even just a casual part time job I always land back in the “education” section, while feeling prompted to set it aside for some time as I allow it to consume my life. I find myself missing the classroom as I love to teach but hate what it means for all other aspects of my life. It is my belief that part of God’s purpose of having me here, in Australia at this time, is to find my identity in HIM and at some point he will shed a bit more light on the path for the next step.
Over the past few months God has gently been speaking to me and asking me to allow him to help me discover the deeper depths of my identity far beyond a career choice, physical location, denomination of the church I am attending, relationship status or my favorite food or color. He has been softening my heart to open up to him and allow me to honestly look at my life, to go back to the basics to discover what my life looks like as His daughter, loved and desired by the Father! What does it truly look like to be the daughter of the King of Kings, what does it mean to live waking each morning knowing that the God that created everything in all of creation is on my side and how does that change who I am and how I live. How does that change where I place my identity? How does truly placing my identity in Christ instead of my career choice, physical location, relationship status, etc. change how I act and think from moment to the next?
"Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Whirl Wind of Emotions
The past two weeks have been a bit of a whirl wind-let’s just be honest. There have been some big emotions on both ends of the spectrum. That in its self is quite exhausting.
Seeing everyone back in Geelong was fantastic and made me realize how much I missed the place. Okay maybe not the place as much as the people! I did miss both though! I quickly realized I missed the openness of the country compared to always being surrounded by buildings in the city.
The people I know in Geelong are amazing and made me feel so much at home again as if I had never left. I constantly think how blessed I have been to have these people in my life, even though oceans separate us; literally, they have continued to be a huge part of my support system and life. I certainly cherish each of them and consider them to be family! Only God can form a bond strong enough to have four years of limited communication (random emails here and there and maybe a card once and a while) and when we see each other again still be completely comfortable being exactly who you are; without any hesitations we pick up right where we left off. As I prepared for my return to Australia I often wondered how my relationships with friends here would be different, attempting to prep myself for them to be very different knowing each person's life has had many changes since the last time we were together. Time and time again, I was in awe as these people loved me just where I was at and we mutually understood each other had many life experiences over the past years that have had major impacts on our lives but that wouldn't change that we are friends!
Thank you, Jesus for the Australian family I have! Time and time again you bless me through their words of encouragement, fellowship with them and how they challenge me! Help me to be a servant in their life to bless and encourage them as well. Amen
When I returned to Hawthorn, I was high on emotion from seeing everyone in Geelong. I felt refreshed! I had an evening to myself before the realities of being back would settle in, house cleaning and the children would be back that evening! I was excited to see the children; it had been five days without them. I soon saw the realities of a broken family come into light, I had seen them in the classroom setting but never to the full extent of the comfort of a child's own home. I realized the children don't say they have a "home" they have mummy's house or daddy's house...neither of which they call home. How sad is that.
Upon their arrival Wednesday night, the children, were emotionally a mess, screaming and crying no matter what you did. They were afraid and had so many uncertainties. They had a fear of their mom leaving again (she had gone overseas while they were with their father), concerned about how long I would be there and when they would get the next nanny, and wondering when they were going to move house again. The poor things are so broken and have lacked stability for some time now; they are just anticipating the next change. It breaks my heart to see them be so uncertain of the core parts of their life that should be the most stable. Nothing against the parents by any means, they are doing the best they know how to with their situation and are working together to try to make their children's lives more stable (which not the case in many situations like this).
God just continued to break my heart for these children throughout the weekend. To try to understand where they are coming from and to be gentle with them, provide them with the love and assurance they need. To fill their lives with grace and mercy as they cry and scream at me not because of what I have done but because they just are hurting and are trying to express their pain. They need and long for structure and consistency in their lives. I know God has me during this season for a purpose...and I think a major part of this purpose is to love on these kids! May God grant me the strength, grace, mercy and wisdom needed to love on these kiddos and be a light in their dark place. May they see Jesus love and light shining through my interactions with them!
This past week I was also blessed by a touching card (love mail!!) from a dear friend this past week that just pierced my heart with gratitude and quite frankly made me cry. I am so grateful for her and our friendship that God has blessed us with. Another friendship that you know is only from God himself! She has played and continues to play such a significant role in my life! Always encouraging me, challenging me in my walk with the Lord and challenging me to love others as Jesus himself would. It reminded me of how much I have been blessed with dear friends and family, each playing a significant role in my life. These friends are spread across the globe but are people I can call on for wisdom and prayer as well as a good laugh or cry! This made me realized how much I missed everyone back home but at the same time how extremely grateful I am to be here, where God has me right now!
God has been teaching me a lot about love as of late. The other day I heard the song, ‘Choose You,’ by Stan Walker, while making dinner. The song is obviously about a man choosing to stay and love his girl no matter what; however, I think one can easily generalize the message to their other relationships.
The song made me stop in my tracks as I listened to the lyrics and I can't get over it...how true it is. Love is not just a feeling it is a choice. We make a choice to love our friends, family, husbands, wives, sons and daughters, co-workers, and mere strangers each day whether we are happy, sad, angry or delighted, giddy or depressed to love others is a choice we make moment by moment each step of our day.
The song reminded me of what God is teaching me about and how often I fail to choose to love people placed in my path. I am currently reading the book, "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan. In the book Chan writes:
“This is the God we serve, the God who knew us before He made us. The God who promises to remain with us and rescue us. The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back.
So why, when we constantly offend Him and are so unlovable and unloving, does God persist on loving us?"
Good question hey! Doesn't that just make you sit in awe of our creator, our Father, our Savior. He chooses to love me when I choose to run away from him oh so often. And better yet he chooses to love us and desire us, pursue us when he doesn't need us-He is God, can do anything and everything without us, so why does he chase after us and love us so much? I don't know that is the amazing thing about Him, he chooses to, he chooses us and loves us as his sons and daughters.
So if this is the example God sets for us, he chooses to love humanity when we routinely choose to run away from him; as Christ followers are we not to daily die to ourselves and the hurts and pains that we have experienced from others and love them no matter what they have done, no matter what turmoil, pain and suffering they have put us through. Yes, we are, we are to make our mind up each morning when we wake up and choose to act in love. To go the extra step to love our family and friends, co-workers and strangers that God has placed before us. We are to choose to love those that are the toughest to love.
As I write I am continually reminded of how often I fail to love those in my life. Instead I have chosen to hold a grudges against them, to have bitter feelings towards and anger towards them. I am reminded of how often I fail to love those who are easy to love let alone those who I find difficult to love. Love is an action, a choice and so often I fail at making the correct one.
May God's grace and mercy continue to pour over each of us as He continues to work in our hearts and molds us into people who delight in loving others no matter what the circumstance. May we continue to walk with Him and grow more in love with Him. Amen!
Seeing everyone back in Geelong was fantastic and made me realize how much I missed the place. Okay maybe not the place as much as the people! I did miss both though! I quickly realized I missed the openness of the country compared to always being surrounded by buildings in the city.
The people I know in Geelong are amazing and made me feel so much at home again as if I had never left. I constantly think how blessed I have been to have these people in my life, even though oceans separate us; literally, they have continued to be a huge part of my support system and life. I certainly cherish each of them and consider them to be family! Only God can form a bond strong enough to have four years of limited communication (random emails here and there and maybe a card once and a while) and when we see each other again still be completely comfortable being exactly who you are; without any hesitations we pick up right where we left off. As I prepared for my return to Australia I often wondered how my relationships with friends here would be different, attempting to prep myself for them to be very different knowing each person's life has had many changes since the last time we were together. Time and time again, I was in awe as these people loved me just where I was at and we mutually understood each other had many life experiences over the past years that have had major impacts on our lives but that wouldn't change that we are friends!
Thank you, Jesus for the Australian family I have! Time and time again you bless me through their words of encouragement, fellowship with them and how they challenge me! Help me to be a servant in their life to bless and encourage them as well. Amen
When I returned to Hawthorn, I was high on emotion from seeing everyone in Geelong. I felt refreshed! I had an evening to myself before the realities of being back would settle in, house cleaning and the children would be back that evening! I was excited to see the children; it had been five days without them. I soon saw the realities of a broken family come into light, I had seen them in the classroom setting but never to the full extent of the comfort of a child's own home. I realized the children don't say they have a "home" they have mummy's house or daddy's house...neither of which they call home. How sad is that.
Upon their arrival Wednesday night, the children, were emotionally a mess, screaming and crying no matter what you did. They were afraid and had so many uncertainties. They had a fear of their mom leaving again (she had gone overseas while they were with their father), concerned about how long I would be there and when they would get the next nanny, and wondering when they were going to move house again. The poor things are so broken and have lacked stability for some time now; they are just anticipating the next change. It breaks my heart to see them be so uncertain of the core parts of their life that should be the most stable. Nothing against the parents by any means, they are doing the best they know how to with their situation and are working together to try to make their children's lives more stable (which not the case in many situations like this).
God just continued to break my heart for these children throughout the weekend. To try to understand where they are coming from and to be gentle with them, provide them with the love and assurance they need. To fill their lives with grace and mercy as they cry and scream at me not because of what I have done but because they just are hurting and are trying to express their pain. They need and long for structure and consistency in their lives. I know God has me during this season for a purpose...and I think a major part of this purpose is to love on these kids! May God grant me the strength, grace, mercy and wisdom needed to love on these kiddos and be a light in their dark place. May they see Jesus love and light shining through my interactions with them!
This past week I was also blessed by a touching card (love mail!!) from a dear friend this past week that just pierced my heart with gratitude and quite frankly made me cry. I am so grateful for her and our friendship that God has blessed us with. Another friendship that you know is only from God himself! She has played and continues to play such a significant role in my life! Always encouraging me, challenging me in my walk with the Lord and challenging me to love others as Jesus himself would. It reminded me of how much I have been blessed with dear friends and family, each playing a significant role in my life. These friends are spread across the globe but are people I can call on for wisdom and prayer as well as a good laugh or cry! This made me realized how much I missed everyone back home but at the same time how extremely grateful I am to be here, where God has me right now!
God has been teaching me a lot about love as of late. The other day I heard the song, ‘Choose You,’ by Stan Walker, while making dinner. The song is obviously about a man choosing to stay and love his girl no matter what; however, I think one can easily generalize the message to their other relationships.
The song made me stop in my tracks as I listened to the lyrics and I can't get over it...how true it is. Love is not just a feeling it is a choice. We make a choice to love our friends, family, husbands, wives, sons and daughters, co-workers, and mere strangers each day whether we are happy, sad, angry or delighted, giddy or depressed to love others is a choice we make moment by moment each step of our day.
The song reminded me of what God is teaching me about and how often I fail to choose to love people placed in my path. I am currently reading the book, "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan. In the book Chan writes:
“This is the God we serve, the God who knew us before He made us. The God who promises to remain with us and rescue us. The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back.
So why, when we constantly offend Him and are so unlovable and unloving, does God persist on loving us?"
Good question hey! Doesn't that just make you sit in awe of our creator, our Father, our Savior. He chooses to love me when I choose to run away from him oh so often. And better yet he chooses to love us and desire us, pursue us when he doesn't need us-He is God, can do anything and everything without us, so why does he chase after us and love us so much? I don't know that is the amazing thing about Him, he chooses to, he chooses us and loves us as his sons and daughters.
So if this is the example God sets for us, he chooses to love humanity when we routinely choose to run away from him; as Christ followers are we not to daily die to ourselves and the hurts and pains that we have experienced from others and love them no matter what they have done, no matter what turmoil, pain and suffering they have put us through. Yes, we are, we are to make our mind up each morning when we wake up and choose to act in love. To go the extra step to love our family and friends, co-workers and strangers that God has placed before us. We are to choose to love those that are the toughest to love.
As I write I am continually reminded of how often I fail to love those in my life. Instead I have chosen to hold a grudges against them, to have bitter feelings towards and anger towards them. I am reminded of how often I fail to love those who are easy to love let alone those who I find difficult to love. Love is an action, a choice and so often I fail at making the correct one.
May God's grace and mercy continue to pour over each of us as He continues to work in our hearts and molds us into people who delight in loving others no matter what the circumstance. May we continue to walk with Him and grow more in love with Him. Amen!
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